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Posts Tagged ‘insomnia’

The Wee Small Hours

I don’t suppose it’s really surprising, seeing as I’m writing this at 1:30 in the morning, that last night we couldn’t sleep. Usually Andy’s an out the second your head hits the pillow kind of guy, but we were both mind racing. We ended up actually having a wonderful time watching some shows together, raiding the kitchen for midnight snacks, hangin’ out as though it were the middle of the day. Isn’t it incredible how you can live in the same house with someone, yet hours and hours, sometimes days and days will pass before you can sit down and look each other in the face and just talk–about something other than the schedule or the checkbook, or how to deal with the kids?  It was almost like a date. Who needs to go out? We can just set our alarms and have a date in the kitchen in the middle of the night.  As I laid down a second time (around 1:45) to try and drift off, I promised I would blog about our pleasant little evening, especially after my pity party Failure Face post. Gotta get some gratitude  up in here.

Of course though, as I was laying there composing my positive little blog post, the minutes stretched on and I still wasn’t falling asleep. It was about an hour of tossing and turning before I finally started to sink into sleep when . . . .

. . . . Gillian . . . .

thump, thump, thump,

comes running down the hall and long jumps into our bed. I scooped her right back up, praying HARD that she wouldn’t have a meltdown and that I could get her into her bed and lay back down before the sleepies had all scampered back into whatever corner it is that allows them to continually elude me. I opened the door to the kids room and was just about blown over by the smell. It was this nose burning, sicky-sweet, rancid smell. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from because it filled the whole room. Of course though, my first thought was Eliot’s diaper. I promise I only thought for an instant that he’d have to wait until morning. I just couldn’t bear the thought of the diaper rash he’d have if what I was smelling was actually in his pants! So I scooped him up, waking him of course, still praying hard that the sleepies would keep my pillow warm, now for both myself and Eliot. I get him to the changing table and open him up. Clean. Ugh. Okay, now what?

Back to the room I went with a wide awake Eliot in my arms, and start cautiously feeling around for sick. How in the world did someone just puke and not wake up screaming? I couldn’t see anything, but I was still clinging to the hope that I would fall back to sleep, so I couldn’t turn on the light.  All I could do was smell this nastiness and envision myself rubbing my hands into it in the dark-as if that’s not going to wake me up for the next hour.

Nothing.

Andy had just changed their sheets.

They just had a bath.

What is that smell?!?! 

(Turns out one of the neighbors laid mulch I guess, cause I could smell it outside in the morning- I didn’t know that at the time though, so I just gave up. And by the way, who does that in the middle of the night?)

Defeated, fearing the worst for what I might find in the morning, and leaving a whimpering Gill and Eliot to contend with the sleepies on their own, I went back to bed.

WIDE AWAKE.

And Pissed.

After about 45 more minutes of tossing and turning, some snarky little demon then whispers in my ear, “how ’bout that grateful blog post now?”

 

 

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It was so needed.

It had been creeping up on me a little more each week, gnawing at my subconscious, belittling my defences and questioning my capabilities as a parent, a wife, a contributing member of society. At any given time, I had 14 games of Words with Friends going! App DELETED!

My froggydex on Pocket Frogs has 99 of the 100 challenges completed, and over 1500 frogs cleared in the froggydex. Only 18,000 to go!!! App Deleted!

Cut the Rope lost my data a while back, so I lost four boxes filled with all the stars and haven’t been able to get bak into that groove. App Deleted!

Touch Cats . . . .  Deleted!

Warship . . . .  Deleted!

Worms 2 . . . . . .  Deleted!

Chop Chop Ninja . . . . it just sounds so cute . . . . BALETED!

Then there’s my 10 different groups on Facebook, my Twitter feed, my Instagram feed, my Pinterest feed, and . . . . of course, my Star Trek re-runs. Even listing it out I’m amazed that I find time to absorb all of this! Not even to mention WHY, just HOW? How is my house not ten times worse than it already is? How are my children not running completely wild as opposed to only occasionally running wild? How am I surviving on the five hours a night I allow myself . . . well, the kids allow me as they drag me out of bed begging for breakfast?

I guess we should have spent more time before hand really delving into the motivations for this attempt, and dealing with possible resistance. It wasn’t  until we were neck deep in that we realized there would be some pretty formidable players in this tech free week game! Next time we will be better armed, better rationed, and among more companions. Next time we will have more players committed to the task. Is that confusing? I was on Ambien for some of this writing, so some things may have made perfect sense in my head but sound like utter nonsense when I re-read them. Actually, I’ve already had to re-write most of this and I’m just trying to salvage what I can. Stupid Ambien.  As most of this was written during the week, it’s in present tense that doesn’t make sense for right now–don’t let that confuse you.

Day 1: So How’s It Going?

Twitter, which I really only started to doing to stay in touch with Andy isn’t tempting me too much, but the Facebook is calling me LOUDLY!  I keet getting notifications on my phone! The red dot letting me know I’ve got messages or comments or something so utterly important is driving me nuts. I don’t miss the feed though. I never realized how much time I spent on the stupid feed.Already though, I’m feeling more free. Free from the iPhone games! Free to play checkers with Gillian and let her beg for two more games, even though I’m going to beat her at every one (not for much longer though!) I’m free to say yes when Liam asks to burry me in the sand on our date, even though I’m wearing my gym clothes! Free to let Eliot play in the kiddie pool because what else do I have to do but slather sun screen on to little kids?

I was free today to clean out our utility room and empty out this desk in there, extradite the spiders that had found sanctuary for several years and haul it up into the attic, Yes, by myself I might add, making me feel rather super-womanesqe and in turn rather annoyed that I couldn’t brag about it to the rest of the world out there.  I then hauled the new freezer (THANKS MOM AND DAD!!) in from the back porch and got it set up. BooYah! This girl’s guns are loaded! Woot Woot!

Dinner was actually ready when andy got home the schedule for the evening laid out nicely like the next day’s outfit .

We knew Bedtime would be a challenge. I’m stocked up on Ambien to ensure sleep, but that’s not to say there won’t be some weird side effets, like my face falling off or whatever. (What?! I just left that in there so you could see how weird I am on that stuff! There are all sorts of strange things that I wrote that had to be deleted-the post probably would have been a lot more entertaining had I left them here.)

Day 2: SUCKEDDDD!

Wow, about how much this day sucked. To explain why, I would really have to go into my expectations as I all but delivered them to God along with his invitation to join me in my little tech free week. The invite might have said something like, “In Honor of You Dude!” Can you imagine how pleased he was to be invited to an event where I would be naming off whimpy little sacrifice after whimpy sacrifice, followed by my perfectly reasonable expectations of what His response should be?

Needless to say, it didn’t start well. It’s not so much a matter of the temptation getting to hard–that is there–I had to jump on it once to talk to someone I hadn’t been able to connect with, but don’t feel badly about that. THe problem is the void, which I intended to fill with scripture, worship music, creativity, and productivity is being fought for. Hard. There seem to be a few powers out there that are pretty pleased with the amount of time I waste on insignificant media and they’re being duche bags (can I say that?) pretty much. Thankfully, I’ve got a good man who’s willing to come home early and help me do battle. 🙂 It was rough though-just some serious faith faltering on my part, a lot of depression and discouragement (not about the media, just in general), a bit of despondency, lots of crying and tossing about, not a pretty sight really.  It was crazy!

Day 3:

Whew! A much better day. Enjoying being off of a lot of that stuff really, but discouraged that I don’t have more time freeing up. I don’t know WHEN I did all that stuff before, because I’m still running out of time at the end of the day! It’s still almost 11:00 and I”m not asleep yet. Granted, 11:00 or even 11:30 is better than 1:30 or 2:00. There’s just all this pressure to be able to have a blog post at the end of this full of pictures and a grandiose list of all I accomplished during my media fast.  SIGH. (WHY AM I SO PEOPLE APPROVAL NEEDY!?)

Today the homeschooling reality started to creep up on my and I’m struggling to not freak out over all I have to try to get done in a day with two different grade levels AND a two foot tornado tearing through the house. I can’t think about that right now though. Tomorrow.

Day Four: I forgot to write anything about this day, so it mustn’t have been very notable.

Day Five: Went to spend the day with my folks, so I was plenty occupied without my media. The kids struggled a little (especially when they saw Grandad’s new flat screen t.v.)because there are obviously more restrictions to spaces and objects at their grandparent’s house, so it’s harder to keep them occupied without a movie, but we didn’t cave.

Day Six: I miss my blog. I’m not going to add the games back to my phone, and that feels good. It’s hard not to put the kids on a movie when I need some peace and quiet. They’re doing better though at using their imagination. It’s super fun to sit and listen to the games they make up when they’re forced to use their brain to entertain themselves rather then letting them just soak in nonsense.

Day Seven: We broke the fast a little early and let them watch a movie today. Had a major project to do and just couldn’t get anything done with the constant interruptions. I felt a little discouraged at that, like we hadn’t really learned anything if we just shoved a movie at them to keep them out of our hair.  How else does one get anything done?

Looking back at it a few days later, I’m not so discouraged. They’re running around shouting “activating sequel shooters!” and “suction to Malarky Mansion!” I don’t know what it means, but I love it! I don’t know that it’s possible to eliminate all the media from our lives, or that I would want to, but I would recommend a tech free week to anyone who’s feeling drained by all of the senseless distractions. I’d like to do it again soon for an extended time, if only I can find a loophole to keep writing my blog!

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Actually, it’s a quarter to six and I’ve just taken a shower because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. With the exception of a couple of bad dreams in that half asleep, half awake state, I’ve been awake all night. Insomnia has kicked in again in full force. I didn’t even eat anything after 7! I find myself angry. That’s where I usually end up once I pass 3:00. I try to keep calm, knowing that the more irritated I get, the less likely I am to fall asleep. That’s just so hard. How can I not think of the day ahead? The three kidlets with so many needs will be waking in only a couple of short hours. I try to be spiritual about it (it’s a gift, right?), but when I try to pray about it or ask God for the grace I need to get through it, all I can think is that grace would be some sleep–NOW. I’m already failing so miserably right now at a multitude of mommy tasks, how am I to have any success on little to no sleep? I haven’t reached the place of letting go of all the things that aren’t going to go as planned tomorrow. The early start, the 8:45 class at the gym, the renewed consistency with discipline (which has been lacking), the MOUNTAIN of laundry conquered, a better day than yesterday was–because yesterday has a whole list of it’s own failures that I don’t want to repeat. I want to let go and take the moment for what it is. Find God in it, give thanks for it, live fully in it.

*Sigh*

Still counting . . . .

399. Sweet Eliot pictures

400. Wise friends and their good counsel

401. Andy cuddles when I’m frustrated

402. Showers in the middle of the night when there’s no chance of the hot water running out.

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